Utter Pain and The Decision

She searched for the sharpest blade. It would hurt less, she thought. But she couldn’t find any. They were all blunt and useless. Just like her. Useless. They say when the end of your life is near, you see your whole life as flashback. The same was happening. How come she had become such a failure. This life is pain. To live a life like that, hurts. She thought of screaming out loud. So loud that it could break the walls of her room. But she couldn’t. She was too much stressed or depressed or sad or just tired. She couldn’t decide how was she feeling. May be she was not able to feel anything. She thought about the death. Ah, how peaceful! She will be free from this life and her problems. She will be flying in the sky like an angel. The voices inside her head will stop talking and fighting. Her tears will be dried. Maybe she will be able to smile, again. She thought of the relief, the emptiness, the comfort that she was about to feel.

But wait. What if death isn’t that pretty. Maybe it will get worse. Maybe she will loose her only chance to make everything okay. She thought of her parents. And their smiling face. And how much they loved them. And how much she loved herself. What was the thing she hadn’t? Good looks, intelligence, a good rich family, some good talents everything. She had everything. Friends. She didn’t have friends. She had two or three people with whom she talked, shared a bench, shared her meal. They were good. But they were not friends. People didn’t like her. So what? It’s their fault if they Don’t like her. What was her fault? Nothing. Why was she being so hard on herself. She loved herself before them. She thought of all the possibilities. She could come 1st in her class and show them all who she was. She could get more beautiful, more intelligent, more happy and could kill them with kindness or ignorance maybe! And people throw rocks at things that shine. She knew she had everything. She could conquer the world. May be that’s why they hated her. They envied her. They wanted to be like her but they were not able too. 

Yes, she was right. Because of some people, she won’t do this to herself. Maybe this life is a chance, to prove them wrong. To be happy and successful again. Suicide is not the solution. So, she threw the blade from the window. Put a fake smile on her face. And walked away. No, she was not going to kill herself. She was going to kill those people who didn’t value her, didn’t love her, didn’t respect her. And no, not with the blade. This time, with that goddamn beautiful smile on her face.

P.s. This content is totally fiction. It was just my message to the world that please don’t harass or mock or humiliate someone till she/he looses him/her spirit to live. We never know our two minute fun could cost someone their whole life. Let’s treat everyone with love and respect. And of course, suicide is not the solution. Try fake smiling and hustling hard and showing the world how strong and blessed you are.

Riddhi Panchal


Writer. Graphic designer. A true artist by heart.

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